


Almost Human

by AkuChibi



Series: Almost Living [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anal Sex, Anxiety, Blood and Torture, Flull and Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Romance, Soul Bond, Therapy, Violence, memory sharing, more tags to come
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-05-04 12:21:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14592918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkuChibi/pseuds/AkuChibi
Summary: *Sequel to Almost Forever* Therapy isn't fun, but with so many people counting on you, stability is key. The war is coming to a head, and all the pieces are on the board. You've been through hell getting here, but there's so much more to come. And let's face it: you're only human. Explicit content. M/M slash. All the usual warnings.I feel I should point out that this is not in second person. When writing the small synopsis of the first book, it was just easier to use 'you' in the context, and it just kind of stuck. But the stories themselves are in first person, not second. Just to clarify.





	1. Welcome to Therapy

**Author's Note:**

> Bad summary is bad. Sorry. I'm terrible at summaries. I'll try to rewrite it later.
> 
> This is part 4, finally. Sorry for the year long wait. Well, year and five month wait XD Sorry. I didn't mean to leave it for so long, but I needed a break from them, and then time got away from me. I had a concussion, had to quit my job because it made my migraines so much worse and I was having a bunch of memory problems and couldn't trust myself to handle all the money, and had to move back home. So. That was fun. Still having a shit load of migraines, too. And I've had a cough for 4 months now, so that's been sooooo fun. Blah.
> 
> Anyway. I don't have a whole lot to say here. If you liked the other stories, you'll probably like this one? I can't promise it'll be as long as the others, and I can't promise I'll update consistently. I'm going to read over the previous 3 stories before really diving into this one because it's been a while and my memory is shit and I don't want to contradict myself anywhere. 
> 
> I think when this series is over I'm going to try to edit it and rewrite parts and stuff, and maybe publish it. We'll see. I'll need a fun penname and I don't even know where to go to do this that doesn't cost a crap ton because I have no money right now. Oh well. Right now it's just written for fun.
> 
> This is supposed to be the last book. As far as I know, that hasn't changed, but we'll see. Things like to get away from me. Almost Living was only supposed to be like 10 chapters long, after all, and look how that turned out. It turned into a series, somehow. 
> 
> This series would be nowhere without my loyal followers and reviewers. Thank you so much. You all kept this series alive, and I'm sorry I took so long on this one. I'll try to keep my lack of updates no more than 2 weeks, but we'll see how it goes. You know how I procrastinate.
> 
> Anyway, thanks again. Without you, there wouldn't be a series to continue. So, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this story, too.

Chapter One: Welcome to Therapy

_I hate therapy._

To be fair, I’d never gone to therapy. Not even after Mom died, or after that last big fight Dad and I had. School offered grief counseling which I didn’t attend, and after the fight with Dad I was too wrecked to even think about bringing up the topic to some stranger. So I never did. I’d never been to therapy, but I knew it could be helpful, and deep down I knew I needed to do this. This had been a long time in coming, and Bekkah finally tracked down someone trustworthy enough for me to speak to about my ‘issues’.

 _Issues_. I hated that word. It made me sound broken. I wasn’t broken, I just wasn’t quite whole anymore. There were fissures and cracks. Sometimes the seams ripped. But Kieron always fixed it, so I really didn’t need to be here.

They said I had to, though. Kieron agreed. I needed to be able to control myself when he wasn’t around. I needed to control my emotions better because they could trigger my powers, apparently. It was a working theory. Alona theorized that my ‘powers’ didn’t come from Kieron being in danger, specifically, but from my emotional reaction when he was in danger. Something in me snapped because panic consumed me and it was just a reaction. I needed Kieron safe, so I made him safe.

 _Kieron…_ My thoughts shifted toward my perpetual briefly, leaving me sighing as I sank lower in the cushioned seat. It wasn’t uncomfortable. Nothing about this place was uncomfortable, which really only made it worse. It was calming here. Relaxing. There was a gentle breeze filtering in through an open window somewhere behind me, with natural light brightening the room. Outside, I could hear birds chirping. The scent in the air made me think of a warm summer’s day. Calming and relaxing, all I needed for therapy, and yet it just made me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because I didn’t want to do this. I knew I needed to, I knew I needed to get a handle on my emotions, but did anyone really want to go to therapy? To sit down and discuss their problems in detail?

The room was spacious and almost empty, save for a long red couch, a desk with a man sitting behind it, and a few shelves along the walls which boasted book titles I couldn’t read. The Etherian alphabet, when they used it, could be so confusing to me. I would have to learn it eventually, and I wanted to, but at that moment, with the war, it wasn’t entirely vital. What _was_ vital was this, apparently. Bekkah’s idea, one I argued against for a while, but in the end she got Kieron on her side, and I always caved when his eyes were glowing like that.

The man behind the desk looked human, but I knew he wasn’t. He was Etherian, and when his eyes met mine they were just a little different. A little too wrong, to be human. The pupils were slits instead of round orbs like mine. Once upon a time I’d been caught up in the differences; now they didn’t matter. I had bigger worries.

Like my anxiety, for starters.

“So, Terry,” the Etherian said, pulling out a notebook and a pen. It was a little surreal to see them using setups and items like we did back home, on Earth, but they had luxuries like us and those we didn’t; they just chose not to use them half the time, preferring a simpler lifestyle. However, the cities utilized what advancements they had, such has hover-cars, and electricity. Outside the cities, they kept it simple, with fire for light, and electricity only sometimes.

“Yes?” I asked.

He looked down at his notebook briefly, dark eyes blinking. “It says here you’re bonded to an animalistic perpetual named Kieron.”

“Well, yeah. But you already knew that.”

I’d gone from city to city, town to town, giving speeches and attempting to unite everyone in the war against Exrie and his army of screamers. The only reason I was here now, seeing this guy, was because he was on our side. Bekkah never would have recommended him to me otherwise. She searched for weeks for the right therapist, unbeknownst to me, and sprung this on me two weeks ago. I’d barely had time to even get used to the idea before it was time to come here.

She was trying to get Ashere to come too, but he outright refused, said he was fine, and slammed the door in her face. He wasn’t doing very well with losing a leg; it had never healed or grown back, like it should have with perpetuals. Golden weapons really were their kryptonite. Ashere lost his leg after being shot with golden bullets, and he’d made little progress accepting this fact and getting over it. Maybe he never would. He was angry, and sullen now. Bitter. I couldn’t blame him.

I blamed myself.

My fault, after all. All my fault.

The Etherian smiled at me. “I am aware of your relationship with Kieron, in that you have discussed it briefly in your speeches. However, I would like to know what you think about your relationship.”

I didn’t particularly like therapy. This was only our second session; the first was last week, when we arrived in town and Bekkah had all but shoved me into this man’s office. We spent an hour doing introductions – yes, I was human; call me Terry; only Kieron was allowed to call me ‘human’; yes, I had panic attacks and anxiety; no, I didn’t used to have it like this.

Basic things. It was terrible. I hated discussing private matters with a stranger, but Bekkah assured me this man, Whitaker, was a professional and could help me navigate my anxieties and my bond with Kieron. The thing was, though, I didn’t _need_ help navigating the bond. I liked the bond just fine how it was. There was no reason to study it.

“Terry?”

I blinked, aware that I had been silent for a little too long. I sighed. “The relationship is fine,” I told him.

“How is it fine?”

I bristled. “What makes you think it’s not?”

He blinked at me, calmly, before scribbling something on his stupid notepad. The scratch of the pen was grating. “Were you always quick to anger?”

“I’m not angry.”

“Defensive, then.”

I sighed heavily. “No. I guess this is new. Kind of.”

“And by new, you mean…?”

“Well, I wasn’t like this before I met Kieron.”

Before I met Kieron, I wasn’t ever this defensive, or prone to bursts of violence or anger. I wasn’t ever this aggressive, but I supposed that was what happened when one was an aggressor. I was the aggressor in our relationship, and Kieron was the subgressor. We still didn’t entirely know what this meant; it was a rare, symbiotic relationship not many knew much about. That was fine. I liked that our relationship was unique, and I needed no help navigating it, thank you very much.

“So you think Kieron changed you?”

I shrugged. “It’s a little complicated.” Except, not really. I was the aggressor, plain and simple. But I didn’t feel like telling him that, because that was _private_ , and he had no right to know that much about our bond.

A warmth brushed against my mind, briefly. Kieron, easing my mood through the bond. I melted into my chair, sighing as I relaxed.

Two more days, I told myself.

I’d see Kieron again in two days.

“How is it complicated?”

I glared at the man from where I leaned back in the chair.

“Forgive me, I don’t mean to overstep,” Whitaker said, shaking his head. “I only mean that I do understand bonds, and I was under the impression that was why your friend brought you to me, and why you accepted to speak with me.”

I shrugged. “Our bond is fine.”

Strong, warm, and open. I liked it open. I hated it when he had to close it for whatever reason, even if it was just only slightly. My mind knew the difference between completely open and partially closed. The sudden closing of it was enough to send me into a panic, which… yeah, maybe I did need help with that. Sometimes Kieron needed to close the bond when he was in a fight, and he’d been working on his mental shields more and more ever since he’d been attacked mentally by a telepath of some sort. Sometimes, it was necessary to close the bond, or at least partially close it. And I needed to be okay when that happened. I couldn’t panic every time.

But I did, because I enjoyed it open. I wanted it open.

I shifted in the chair, looking away. “Look, I came here for some answers on how to not panic during certain situations, not to discuss my bond.”

“I was under the impression your panic attacks were connected to your bond.”

I gritted my teeth. “Just tell me what I need to do to calm myself.”

That was all I needed. I just needed to keep my emotions in check, and calm myself when my anxiety spiked so Kieron could concentrate. He could feel my panic through the bond, feel the anxiety, and it made him tense and eager to reassure me, since that was his job as the subgressor. But during a fight, that could get him killed. I needed to learn to control this.

“Managing anxiety is only helpful if you know your triggers,” Whitaker said, frowning thoughtfully. “Do you know your triggers? What sets you off the most? Do you feel a general sense of anxiety, or does it come and go?”

“Comes and goes,” I said, frowning. “I think. It’s not all the time.”

I was fine when Kieron was next to me. It was when he left that the anxiety started. A side effect of the bond, and me being the aggressor, he told me. He felt it too, but he’d trained his whole life to fight what he felt, so he was more in control of himself.

Whitaker scribbled on his notepad again. “Can you describe what makes you anxious, or when you think you become anxious?”

I pressed my lips together into a thin line. I knew what made me anxious, but had no desire to speak to him about it. Something primal in me absolutely forbade it; he was an outsider, a stranger, and Kieron was _mine_. The bond was mine. The anxieties that came with it were _mine_. To describe my anxieties to him would be to describe the bond to him, describe how deep it went that there was, in fact, an aggressor and a subgressor, and he had no right to hear about any of that.

Whitaker watched me for a moment. “I understand it can be hard to trust me, but you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t think I could help you. Rest assured that whatever you tell me here will not be spoken to anyone else without your consent.”

That wasn’t the point.

“When do you think you become anxious, Terry? And why?”

_Whenever I’m alone. Whenever I think there’s something wrong with Kieron. I can’t help it but I know I need to control it. This wasn’t such a problem until…_

Until we bonded further. Until he bit me. Until we gained a secondary, animalistic bond because Kieron was an animalistic perpetual, and he had instinctual needs and desires. After that… I did become more anxious. I remembered panicking, and lashing out at Kieron, when he closed the bond to regain control of himself. And then that presence, _Perez_ , nearly took over his mind and he’d had to be locked away in his mind for a while, sealing the bond… and that had been torture. It drove me crazy.

I pushed to my feet, smiling thinly. “I think that’s our time for today.”

Whitaker quirked a thick brow. “We still have fifteen minutes.”

I glanced at the clock. “Fourteen, and we’re done for today.”

He sighed. “Very well, Terry, but I do think you should consider your answer for our next session.”

I rolled my eyes, and took my leave.

Bekkah was waiting for me in the lobby. She stood from her chair, frowning at me. “You’re early,” she said, quirking a dark brow.

I shrugged. “Any news?”

“They still aren’t due back for two days.”

I sighed, nodding at her. She led the way out of the building.

Kieron wasn’t due back for two days. Just two more days. He’d been gone a week already, much to my chagrin. Times were busy right now, and everyone had a part to play, or so I’d been told by our Elder contact, Haelix. As far as Elders went, he was alright. He was Dettere’s replacement, since Dettere had been killed in an ambush. An ambush I kept Kieron from by drugging him. Guilt trickled through me. Kieron forgave me, but it didn’t change what I did.

We hadn’t eaten omelets since.

“How… are they?” I asked Bekkah.

She smirked at me, as we exited the building. It was a cloudy day, the sun not visible and the streets more than a little dark for the time of day, but at least it wasn’t raining like it had been lately. “You would know more than I would,” she told me, and she had a point.

I shrugged. “Kieron’s fine,” I said. “I can’t speak for the others.”

“I’m sure they’re fine as well, or Kieron would have told you.”

True.

Kieron left two weeks ago. He wouldn’t tell me where he was going, only why he was leaving. Nearly a year ago, a certain group of Etherians emerged, wishing me dead so they could refuse Exrie and his army of Screamers to get what they wanted. It made sense, in theory; he couldn’t use me for power if I was dead. I’d once tried it myself, after Kieron died in my arms. The first time.

My entire body stiffened, the images of Kieron’s lifeless body still too fresh in my mind. The steam, the shaky, rasping breaths, the blood and pallor of his face… The blood on my hands, red gloves I never wanted…

 ** _Relax._** The word floated through my mind, lightly brushing against my own thoughts. I swallowed, attempting to focus on breathing normally. This had been happening a lot lately, these small panic attacks. I would be fine one moment, and then a thought would trigger a memory, and I’d be lost in my panic. Lost in my need to make sure Kieron was okay.

Normally, this wasn’t such a problem. I could handle it just fine when Kieron was next to me. I could reassure myself immediately that he was there, that he was fine and alive and _mine_.

But Kieron wasn’t here right now. That was the problem.

He wasn’t here because nearly a year ago, Etherians tried to kill me. They very nearly succeeded, and he dedicated a good portion of his time to hunting them down and taking care of them himself. They were dangerous, he said; they needed to be dealt with so I could be safe.

I would never be safe. I was tired of being kept safe.

But, that was why I was here now, and Kieron was not. Because I needed to be kept _safe_ , and Bekkah was my babysitter. She would protect me, Kieron said. I needed to do as she said. I was kept safe, and Kieron wasn’t here because he was out there still hunting down those who wished me dead.

He told me why he had to leave. He didn’t know how long he’d be gone, but he wouldn’t close the bond unless he had to. That was good, otherwise I wouldn’t have been okay with this.

I wasn’t okay with it, honestly. I didn’t want him out there hunting down people to kill. I knew it was in his nature, I knew he was animalistic and everyone assumed animalistic perpetuals were monsters without a conscience, but Kieron was different. He wasn’t an animal. He wasn’t a cold-blooded killer. And I hated that he was killing now, without remorse. It made sense to him, though. These people came after me, they wanted me dead; he was protecting me. Protecting his bonded. His boyfriend. And I couldn’t fault him for that, because I would have done the exact same.

We arrived at the house we were staying in for the time being. We’d been here for weeks now, since before Kieron left with Haelix. It was probably the longest we’d stayed in one spot. We were always moving, always traveling, heading for yet another town or city so I could give yet another speech about how I was on their side, and we would win this fight with Exrie. Everyone just needed to be patient, and keep working together.

I was tired of giving speeches. I hated being the figurehead in a war I was never allowed to fight in. I was always kept _safe_.

The house itself was nice. Large. The outside was cement and plaster, painted a dull gray color. The trims around the windows were white, in contrast. It held four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a spacious living room and a massive kitchen. It was a nice house, but it always felt so empty.

This wasn’t home. It wouldn’t ever be home.

I didn’t have a home anymore.

I’d given up trying to live a normal life in a small, one-bedroom apartment. I’d given up trying to hold a normal job, even if it was only online and I never had to do that much. John found me twice at my apartment, and it led to bad things both times. He led the Screamers to me, captured me for them, and Kieron’s second death was entirely _his fault_.

 _And yours,_ a part of my mind whispered. Tendrils of cold wrapped around my spine. _You are not guiltless. It’s your choices that left Kieron dead._

Dead.

A shiver ripped down my spine. I was happy I was close enough to the couch I could collapse into it without alerting Bekkah anything was amiss. Kieron wasn’t dead anymore, I kept telling myself, but still the images lingered. His blood on my hands, his weakening presence in my mind, his stuttered breaths still loud in my ears…

It didn’t happen, though.

A dream. A nightmare. A cruel vision.

It didn’t happen.

He was safe. Kieron was safe.

 ** _Relax._** The word penetrated my thoughts again.

 _Sorry,_ I sent back through the ever-present bridge in my mind, connecting myself to Kieron. I wasn’t sure what I’d do without it – it’d happened once, and only once, but that was more than enough for me. _When are you coming back, Kie?_

 ** _Soon,_** was his usual, vague answer. He couldn’t give me a precise time, because he couldn’t come back until the job was finished. He had Haelix with him, but I still worried. He said they were close to finishing off this group; two stragglers remained. There were different cells in the group, and this cell was almost gone. He would be home soon. Two days, he said. Just two more days.

I could do this. Two days.

“Any news on Kaspin?” I asked, changing the subject to get my mind off Kieron’s absence.

Bekkah sighed. “His hearing is next week.”

Kaspin was Kieron’s brother. A brother he didn’t know he had until the mystical walls in the Caverns of Knowledge told me so. When I was captured by Exrie and Kieron and the others came to get me, they found Kaspin locked in a cell beneath the building. Since then, he’d been held by the Elders, who were attempting to determine his fate. They initially wanted to get a reading on him to determine how ‘viable’ he was, but his shields were too great and he refused to let them in. He did terrible things, he said. Things he had to do, for Exrie, otherwise he would have been killed. He said that if the Elders saw that, they would immediately vote him guilty and throw him back in the Lake.

I couldn’t blame him for being worried about the Lake, but at the same time, the fastest way to clear his name was to let them past his shields to read his memories. Even if he did bad things, Exrie forced him to do it, so they couldn’t really blame him, could they? Yes, it was his DNA in the golden weapons; his DNA somehow helped create them. But he didn’t know anything about the process, and he said he wanted to no part in it, but it wasn’t his choice to make. He was found in a cell, after all; he was a prisoner.

I hated the whole thing. The whole situation.

Poor Kaspin. First he was locked in the Lake for simply being an animalistic perpetual, then he was taken out by Exrie and forced to create murderous weapons and to do terrible things which obviously plagued his mind. Poor guy. And poor Kieron. He just learned he had a brother, and got to meet him two months ago, and now Kaspin might wind up back in the Lake before they got the chance to know each other.

We’d visited Kaspin a few times, but we needed to keep moving for the most part. We were only staying here now because I apparently needed therapy, and for some reason things had died down lately. The screamer attacks happened less frequently. Exrie seemed to have disappeared. I knew he was still out there, and perpetuals were still dying, but for us things had been rather quiet. It was good, really. We needed a break.

I just wished I could actually take a break. A vacation with Kieron, just the two of us, alone and relaxing somewhere. The thought made me sigh. I wanted it so badly. Soon, Bekkah said. We could hopefully have a brief vacation soon.

This was almost a vacation, to be honest. Staying in one place for so long. We’d been traveling a lot, doing more speeches, but for two weeks we’d been here. Ashere was here too; we always brought him with us, despite how grumpy, bitter protests. He wanted us to leave him behind. He said he was a liability. Dead weight. Useless.

He wasn’t.

He just a little broken, but in time he would mend. We could get him a prosthetic leg. We told him this, but he stubbornly refused. Hopefully he would come around soon. I hated seeing him like this.

Especially since it was my fault.

If I hadn’t let myself get captured…

If I hadn’t picked for Kieron to die the first time, instead of my family…

If only, if only.

I made mistakes. A lot of them. Ashere suffered for it.

My fault, and no one could convince me otherwise.

Ashere didn’t outwardly blame me. He never said he did. He never looked me in the eye and accused me. Never jabbed his finger at my chest and said, ‘this is all your fault’. He never blamed me outright, but he blamed me anyway. He had to. He had to know this was all my fault.

**_Human._ **

Kieron’s sudden voice in my head left a shiver inching down my spine. _Sorry,_ I tossed back at him. My negative thoughts were… not necessarily painful to him, but annoying. Prickling.

Bekkah pushed open the door to the house we were currently staying at. It was a two-story house, with newly painted walls and clean carpet floors in the living room and bedrooms, while the rest had hardwood floors. It looked like a normal house back home, which always threw me off for a moment, no matter how long I stayed here in Ethereal.

I hadn’t been home in months. I wondered how my brother was doing. He was probably worried about me, but I told him I’d be okay. I told him I probably wouldn’t be back for a while. He wanted to come with me, ever the big brother, but he had Lacy and his kids to worry about. They were held hostage by Exrie, after all. Lacy now knew everything. Well, maybe not everything, but she knew about Ethereal and the war now. There was no hiding the truth from her after what happened. She was angry that she was kept in the dark for so long, but in the end she did agree that ignorance was bliss because now she worried about me and Kieron even more.

I hadn’t been to see them in months. I hadn’t been home in… Well. I didn’t really have a home anymore. I let the lease lapse on the apartment. I missed the place, and I thought maybe Kieron did too, but with the war and everything it just didn’t seem right to live on Earth while Ethereal suffered. So I decided to lose the apartment and stay here, at least for now. I’d visit Tommy once in a while, I assured him, but right now I was needed here. It wouldn’t be forever.

“I’ll check on Ash,” Bekkah said.

I nodded at her, silently wishing her good luck. She disappeared down the hallway, toward the only downstairs bedroom. The door closed quietly behind her, and I climbed the stairs toward my bedroom. Our bedroom. Mine and Kieron’s.

I missed him. Two weeks was a long time. He’d been gone longer, certainly, but I always missed him just the same. Perhaps it was co-dependence, and maybe it wasn’t entirely healthy, but it worked. It worked just fine, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It was great when Kieron was here, after all.

It was when he was away that the issues started.

The anxiety, the panic attacks, the nightmares…

Whitaker wanted me to think about my triggers. I already knew what they were. Discussing them felt too personal, though. Too intimate. I wasn’t ready to do that yet. I didn’t want to see a therapist. I was fine.

But I knew I wasn’t. I knew I had issues. I didn’t used to have panic attacks. I didn’t used to have anxiety like this. They said it was probably the bond triggering stuff in my mind, but I still needed to learn to control it better. Control my rampant emotions better.

 _I can do this._ I could. I could do this. I could handle therapy. I’d get better at controlling myself, controlling my emotions, and Kieron could stop focusing so much on his barriers and shields. I leaked a lot, after all. It distracted him in battle, which wasn’t good. So I had to do this. I could do this.

 _How’s it going, Kie?_ I asked through our bond.

He didn’t always answer. Sometimes he was busy, after all. But he tried to answer as much as he could. Maybe he needed the contact as much as I did.

 ** _Almost done,_** he said, but I already knew that. **_How was therapy?_**

I bit on my lower lip. I debated lying, telling him it went fine, but he’d know if I lied. _It went okay, I guess. I still don’t like it. I’m not used to discussing this stuff with people, so it’s just… weird, for me._ There. Not really a lie.

**_Would it help if I was there?_ **

I wanted to say yes. It was always better with him next to me. But since we were discussing him, I’d probably feel a little awkward and self-conscious if he were sitting next to me while we discussed him and our relationship. _Maybe,_ I said.

**_I’ll be back in two days._ **

_How are you?_ He wouldn’t tell me if he was hurt. I knew that. But I still wanted to know, still had to ask.

 ** _I’m fine,_** he said, his usual response. **_Is Bekkah keeping an eye on things?_**

 _Yeah._ She patrolled several times a day, and slept on the couch near the front door to make sure no one tried breaking in on the ground floor. There were no trees near the house so it would be difficult for someone to climb to the second floor to break in. She kept a close eye on things to make sure I was _safe_. I was always kept safe.

**_She been keeping up your training?_ **

I winced. _Uh… not exactly._

Before Kieron left, he was training me with a sword. We’d done this a few times, but if we didn’t keep it up I forgot the techniques and stances, so he was trying to be more frequent now. I was making progress, according to both Bekkah and Kieron. Slowly, but steadily making progress.

I also had a gun. They got me one, finally. It was considered a weapon for the weak here in Ethereal, but I was human and would always lose in a hand-to-hand fight against a screamer or perpetual. So they got me a gun. I’d fired it only a few times, while we were traveling. We didn’t want to make too much noise and draw attention to ourselves while we were stationary. Kieron also demanded that, when practicing with the gun, he had to be present. So no gun training in the meantime, just sword training.

But even that had lapsed in Kieron’s absence. Bekkah was busy, after all, keeping an eye on both me and Ashere. So I couldn’t blame her for not having time to teach me. Plus, training with her just wasn’t the same as training with Kieron.

 ** _I want you to keep up your training,_** Kieron said, clearly disappointed that Bekkah hadn’t been working with me. **_You’re doing well._**

Praise from him always made me smile. _I love you._

**_You too, human. I’ll be back soon._ **

He’d been more open about saying stuff like that, too. I loved it every time.

_Alright, I’ll see you then. Be careful._

**_Aren’t I always?_ **

I snorted and shook my head, aware that he couldn’t see me. I felt it when he slipped out of our conversation. It wasn’t a physical feeling, exactly, but a niggling little thought, that my mind was more my own.

There was a knock at the bedroom door.

Bekkah poked her head in.

“How’s Ashere?” I asked, glancing at her.

She shook her head, sighing.

I bit my lower lip, nodding. Still bitter and upset, then. I couldn’t blame him.

“Are you hungry?” she asked. “I’m going to fix Ash some soup.”

“I could eat,” I said.

She nodded and left the room, closing the door behind her.

Hopefully things would get better soon. I still wanted my vacation with Kieron, but right now there were more pressing matters. I understood that, and I knew he would always want to see to my safety first, but that didn’t mean I had to like it.

I exited the room, meeting Bekkah in the kitchen. It was large, a dining room and kitchen combined. Everything in this house looked rustic but new, if that made sense. It did in my head. Bekkah looked over from the stove, watching me for a moment.

“Everything okay?” she asked, quirking a brow.

I nodded. “Yeah, I just… can I help?”

“I think I know how to make soup.”

“I trust your cooking,” I said, shaking my head. “I just… hate feeling useless.”

“Kieron?”

I shrugged. My arms weren’t itching like a fire burning through me. I knew he was safe, at least for right now. I just hated feeling so useless, and I hated waiting. I needed to be doing something. “I just need to keep my mind busy.”

“Alright,” she said, nodding. “I’ll let you make the soup. And after you eat, we can train some more.”

I’d been trying to really focus on my training. Bekkah said I was getting good with a sword, but practice makes perfect. I still had a lot to learn, but I wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as I once was with it. She tried to keep up my training while Kieron was gone, and when he got back he’d work with me again.

I didn’t really like sparring with Kieron. I liked his presence, his company, but I didn’t like hurting him. He said it was okay, he’d heal just fine, and it was a part of my training. If I couldn’t draw blood on him then how could I fight a screamer? I could understand that part, but at the same time, as bad as it sounded, I’d rather fight Bekkah.

“So, how’s Ash?” I asked as I cooked and she stood back, watching me. “I mean, really?”

She gave me a downplayed version, usually. She said he was healing as much as he could, but his leg would probably never regrow. He’d probably be stuck like this for the rest of his eternal life. She told me he was handling as best he could, but he was still angry.

I wanted to know the absolute truth.

“He’s angry,” she said finally. “Very angry, and bitter. I think he needs counseling, but he won’t go. He doesn’t want anyone seeing him like this.”

I nodded slowly, sighing heavily as I stirred the soup. “We could drag him there?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if that would help him or if it would just break him further.” She sighed. “I don’t really know what to do, and he’s not really getting any better.”

“How can we help him?”

“I don’t know. I’m just trying to give him time to adjust, but he’s not really working through his issues. Maybe Kieron will have better luck when he gets back.”

“Maybe,” I agreed quietly.


	2. Something Primal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting isn't easy, especially not when an Elder decides to drop in unexpectedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, not a long delay XD Huzzah. I really missed this series. Huh. A lot more than I thought I would. I was kind of indifferent last chapter, but now that I'm reading over the stories and getting back into it, I really missed these guys. It's nice to be back. 
> 
> I still make no promises at all about any kind of update schedule. But hopefully it won't be too long. Hopefully, again, at least once every two weeks. We'll see how it goes, though.

Chapter Two: Something Primal

 

The sunlight woke me, as it tended to these days. It was almost odd, waking so normally, especially without Kieron here with me. It almost felt wrong, almost felt too normal. I missed the apartment, our home, but keeping it just wasn’t feasible. John found us several times; it wasn’t safe anymore. My family was safe, under lock and key with several perpetuals guarding them, but I still ached to speak to them again. I hadn’t in so long, and now both Tommy and Lacy finally knew the truth so I had little to hide from them. But now I couldn’t talk to them at all, because I had resigned myself to remaining here, in Ethereal, for the foreseeable future. I wasn’t sure how long it would be before we left Ethereal again, and I worried how safe my presence would be for them. They’d been through so much already; I couldn’t complicate things further for them, could I? But I couldn’t just never see them again, either. That would worry my brother to death, and I’d worry about them, too.

I had to be there, see my family again, watch my niece and nephew grow. I wanted a normal life with them. A normal life with Kieron. A part of me knew that simply wasn’t possible; he was an immortal from Atlantis, after all. Things would never truly be _normal_ with him, but we could try. We could be so happy together, back on Earth with my family. We could be happy, and safe, once this war was over.

Until then, I was a danger to those around me. I didn’t want to endanger my family anymore. I’d done that quite enough. I didn’t want to endanger Kieron, either, but simply walking away from him wasn’t an option. He was everything to me, and there would be no walking away. There would be no separation. I would fight tooth and nail for him.

Something fierce. Something primal.

_Mine._

I took in a slow, deep breath, willing my more aggressive side to do the same, and relax. Emotions, I told myself. My emotions could control this. I could control this. I just needed time, and practice. Lots and lots of practice.

_And Kieron._

I sighed, throwing my legs over the side of the bed. Kieron would be back tomorrow. Just one more day without him, and then he’d be here, finally. Whole and real and warm and _mine_. Right in front of me. I could touch him and hold him and never let go, all I wanted. Because he was mine and I was his and things were so much better when he was around.

Perhaps it was codependency. Maybe Whitaker was right to worry about this, to address my need for my perpetual, but I didn’t consider this as a bad thing, really. Sure, I needed him, but I didn’t think therapy was going to help with that. I was the aggressor, after all, and Kieron was my subgressor. We didn’t discuss that, of course; how could I reveal something so private, so secretive? Something so rare, and pure, and _mine_. I couldn’t speak to him about it. So maybe I was codependent on Kieron. Maybe I needed him like I needed the air I breathed, but was there something wrong with that? I needed him, wanted him, loved him.

It wasn’t my love for Kieron that was hurting me.

I was getting better without him, anyway. As the days passed and he stayed away, hunting down those who wished me dead, the hours got easier. I could breathe a little easier each day, could stand the thought of the half-closed bond more and more. Practice. Baby steps. We would be okay. We could do this just fine our own, and we didn’t need a nosy therapist snooping around our bond.

Bekkah disagreed. Kieron did, too. It was his dissatisfaction that got to me, made me come to the therapist in the first place. He wanted me to behave more normally; he said it wasn’t right that all I really cared about was him. It wasn’t right that I needed him to be okay, that I loved him like I did. I told him he was being a hypocrite, because he loved me too. He was better at hiding it, better at composing himself and thinking rationally, but in a way, he was just as codependent as I was, and he was being a huge hypocrite by telling me to go to therapy while he didn’t.

He could close off his half of the bond, though. Keep things from me. Keep his pain from me. Keep mental attacks from slipping through him into me. He worked hard on his shields, and recently attempted to make them stronger and perfect them. He had more control over his half of the bond than I did with mine. That was only to be expected, of course; he was a perpetual, and mastered the art of shielding himself at a young age, out of necessity. If he failed, he would have died.

Well. Not truly died.

He would have been thrown into the Lake, the perpetual prison for their kind. Forever drowning. Forever waking. Forever suffering.

It wouldn’t actually kill them, at least not completely. They would revive, only to drown again, and revive, and die, and the process would never end.

For eternity.

They would wish for death. Pray for it. Ask for mercy.

But they would all be ignored, because those tossed into the Lake were quickly forgotten. There was no one to help them.

At least, not until Exrie showed up with his army of screamers. They overtook the Lake and freed those they could. While I was happy they weren’t suffering anymore, they were helping the enemy. They had to know Exrie had darker, ulterior plans, right? So why were they still helping him?

I took in a slow, deep breath, attempting to balance myself.

I hated thinking about Exrie. About the Lake. About this whole mess with the war and everything else I’d inadvertently caused. All I did was take a shortcut home one night, and then _bam!_ Here I am, years later, looking back on that one decision. That one moment in time, that one choice.

I never took the shortcut; the abandoned park and wooded area were dangerous. Best left to junkies, people said. Bad news all around. Don’t do it.

But that night, I did it. I cut through the park. Just a short walk, I told myself. Make it home in no time, sit down and listen to the TV drone in the background as I passed out on the couch. Nice and easy, short and sweet. A short cut, back to my normal life.

That was how it should have happened. That was how my walk should have ended that night.

Instead, I ran into Kieron in the woods, and my life changed forever.

I swallowed around the lump in my throat. Despite all the bad things that had happened, all I had been exposed to since then, I couldn’t bring myself to regret any of it. Regretting it meant regretting Kieron. Never taking that shortcut meant never meeting him, never knowing I could feel like this. Maybe I would have even stayed with Rufus, and John, and never truly known how unhappy I was. I never would have found Kieron.

I could never regret meeting him. I could never regret loving him.

A knock on my door startled me from my thoughts. I looked over as the door opened, and Bekkah popped her head inside.

“Hey,” she said, smiling at me. “Sleep well?”

“Sure,” I said. It was getting easier, to sleep here alone, but I would feel so much better when Kieron returned, when he was back with me and I didn’t have to sleep alone anymore. “You?”

“I slept fine,” she said dismissively. I doubted she actually slept at all, always on guard to keep us all safe. Her orders from Kieron. “Breakfast is ready. I tried to get Ash to come eat, but…” she trailed off, biting on her lower lip as her gaze skittered away.

“Yeah,” I breathed, nodding. “Thanks. I’ll be there in a few.”

She nodded, and slipped out, quietly shutting the door again.

I moved toward my small pile of clothes and got dressed for the day. It wasn’t much, but we traveled light. However, we’d been here for a little while now, and they wanted me to be as comfortable as I could, so I had a few more clothes with me than normal. I had options.

Dressed in a dark gray shirt and dark jeans, I slipped out of the bedroom and into the living room. It was quiet, lit only by the sunlight seeping through the open windows. A cool breeze filtered around me, softly brushing against my face, bring with it the sweet smell of warmth and summer. It wasn’t summer yet, but it was so warm here these days. Warm and quiet and _normal_. So deceptively normal.

I entered the kitchen and sat down at the table. A plate of food waited for me. I wasn’t entirely sure what it was, but I long ago gave up trying to pronounce the names of Etherian food. Some of them I simply couldn’t say, or couldn’t remember. It all tasted fairly good anyway. I wasn’t sure if Etherian food was just naturally more delicious than human food, or if I just liked it so much because I wasn’t all that used to it, having grown up on pizza and cheeseburgers and the like.

I poked at the leafy greens, a little dubious, but it always tasted so good anyway. I popped a bite into my mouth and smiled, before ravenously digging into the food. After a moment of chewing and focusing on my food, I looked up to find that Bekkah was not eating hers. Instead she sat watching me, almost regretfully. I swallowed thickly, almost painfully, the sound audible as I put down my fork.

“What?” I asked.

She shook her head. “Finish your food.”

“What’s wrong?” I took in a slow breath. “Is it Kieron?”

She sighed. “You would know that more than me. He’s fine, as far as I know.”

The tension in my shoulders eased. “So what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Terry.”

“Something’s wrong. Tell me.”

“Haelix is here.”

I inhaled slowly. Haelix. Dettere’s replacement, since his untimely death during an ambush I had to drug Kieron to keep him from. As far as I knew, Kieron was with Haelix, but Kieron wasn’t here. I’d feel it, if he was this close, wouldn’t? He’d tell me, or Bekkah would let me know, and she’d said nothing about his presence. So Kieron wasn’t here, but apparently Haelix was. A tight knot of dread coiled in my stomach. One would think I’d be used to this feeling by now, but it still managed to catch me off guard.

“Why’s he here?” I asked quietly, pushing my plate of food away, appetite forgotten.

“Eat your food,” she told me, scowling.

“Bekkah. Tell me. Kieron’s okay, right?”

“I’m sure he’s fine,” she said, sighing heavily. “But again, you’d know that more than me. How does the bond feel?”

“Fine,” I snapped, before taking in a calming breath. “Sorry. Just tell me what’s going on, please.”

I hated not knowing. I hated being kept out of the loop for my own safety, for my own well-being. Wasn’t it in my best interests to be in the know? To understand what was happening around me? I knew it would let me sleep better, if I knew what was happening. I hated it when they kept things from me.

“He said he wants to talk to Ashere. And to you.”

“Me? Why me?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know. He wouldn’t say.” A sad smile crossed her face. “Above my paygrade, I guess.”

She was of the lower third of the tier, same as Kieron. Ashere, his former bonded, Blaine, and many others were of the higher tiers. They knew more information. Apparently, all the bottom tier was good for was fighting, which made me angry. Kieron was more than just a fighter. So was Bekkah.

“Where is he?” I pushed to my feet.

“Please eat your food,” she said, shooting a glance at my half-empty plate. “Kieron will yell at me if you don’t.”

“You can stand his verbal wrath,” I reminded her.

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. Haelix will be here in an hour. Now please finish your food.”

An hour.

I wasn’t nearly ready for this.

“I’m gonna shower,” I told her, walking out of the room.

Haelix was an Elder, after all. I needed to shower and be presentable. I personally didn’t care what he thought of me, but Kieron was always so worried about appearances. He was always the model perpetual when the Elders were around, always worried they’d find more fault with him, find a reason to judge him further and throw him in the Lake. I would never let that happen. _Never._

A shiver ran down my spine at the mere thought of it.

At the mental image of Kieron, trapped in a cold darkness, forever drowning.

_No._

My mind rejected the thought with a forceful vehemence. I wouldn’t let that happen to Kieron. If anyone tried to do that to him… well.

I’d kill them.

I never considered myself a murderer. The thought used to frighten me, but I found that when it concerned Kieron’s safety… sometimes killing wasn’t so bad. After all, these screamers were trying to kill Kieron, take him away from me forever, and I couldn’t let that happen. Something primal took over, and I had to take care of the threat. I had to.

It was hard to be angry with myself for killing those who tried to kill Kieron.

Even if my more rational mind tried to think of alternatives, that very primal part of me was satisfied with their deaths.

Maybe that made me a bad person.

I never claimed to be a saint, anyway.

_The sinners have more fun._

My lips pursed into a thin, grim line as I stepped into the shower spray. The hot water calmed me in a way little else could, beating down against sore muscles and tense posture. The only thing that would be better than this was Kieron’s presence, his close proximity, but sadly I still had another day before he arrived. Which prompted the question: _why is Haelix here a day early, without Kieron?_

Something must have happened. Something bad. Something serious.

Something Kieron didn’t tell me. Maybe he didn’t know, or maybe he was trying to spare my feelings, or keep me safe. I didn’t know. I just wished I knew what was going on.

 _Kieron?_ I tried, sending the thought his way through the mental bridge connecting us. In my mind, I could see it. A brilliant blue bridge, a blue chord, something forever connecting us. So bright and beautiful and _mine_.

 ** _Yes?_** Kieron replied, warmth spreading through me in such a way it left the hot water feeling cold, as the bond opened further.

_Why is Haelix here early? Did something happen? Are you okay?_

**_Calm down,_** he said. **_Haelix is there?_**

He sounded surprised. He didn’t know Haelix was coming here.

I frowned. _Wasn’t he supposed to be with you?_

**_He was. He left two days ago. Something came up that required his immediate attention. But you said he’s there?_ **

_He is._

**_What’s he want?_ **

_Something about talking to Ashere, and to me. Bekkah doesn’t know why he’s here, either. She said it’s above her pay grade._

**_Something must have happened._** There was a worried lilt to his mental voice, now.

 _Yeah,_ I told him, _that’s what I thought, too. Any idea what?_

**_I don’t know. I’ll be there tomorrow. Let me know what happens today, if you can._ **

_What do you mean, if I can?_ Why wouldn’t I be able to tell him what happened?

 ** _He might say you can’t. I’m lower ranked. I might not be allowed to know._** There was that usual hint of his bitter tone regarding the ranking system, and his place in it.

I scowled. _That’s stupid. I’ll still tell you._

**_You can’t, if he says you can’t._ **

_He has to know I’m going to tell you._

We didn’t keep secrets, after all. At least, we tried not to. I knew there were some things he couldn’t tell me, as he was still forced to follow their rules and orders, but he promised to tell me if he could, as long as it wouldn’t lead to me getting hurt or anything. As long as it didn’t endanger me, or anyone else.

It was as good as I was going to get from him, regarding this issue.

I was human, though. I wasn’t from here. I wasn’t part of their messed up system, so I could tell Kieron whatever I wanted. They couldn’t control me. They couldn’t control what I told him in my mind.

 ** _Just do as he says,_** Kieron said.

_Do you not want me to tell you?_

**_I’d like to know, but there’s some things… It’s just our way. It’s how it is. I don’t have to like it._ **

_Well, I’m human. I get a pass. I can tell you._

**_Just be careful._ **

_Why? You think he’s gonna hurt me?_

**_No. But you’re a trouble magnet. Things happen._ **

I rolled my eyes, despite the fact I knew he couldn’t see me. The water spray blinded me momentarily, until I wiped the moisture from my eyes. _I’m not a trouble magnet,_ I told him.

**_Accident prone, then._ **

_Yeah, not even. I can take care of myself, you know._

**_You’re learning,_** he said. **_Doesn’t mean you’re there yet._**

_Hey. I can kill people. I’ve killed screamers._

**_You have. But I’m not there to trigger your defenses. So just be careful._ **

_Keep that up and people are going to start to think you’re a softie who cares,_ I told him, despite the fact I secretly loved his attention.

 ** _Just be careful._** His voice kept the same serious tone.

I sighed. _Alright, Kie. As long as you do the same. I want you back in one piece._

**_Of course. I have to go now, but I’ll see you tomorrow._ **

_Alright. Love you._

**_You too._ **

I felt it when he pulled more out of the bond. Felt it close a little more. Not all the way, not even halfway, just a little more than it was. I sighed, and finished showering.

I turned the water off and stepped out, shivering in the cool air around me. The bathroom mirror was foggy, but I didn’t care. I quickly dried and changed, combing my fingers through my damp hair, before I left the room.

Haelix was already in the living room waiting for me.

Bekkah was nowhere in sight. Haelix was early.

I didn’t dislike Haelix, not really. He was a lot more relaxed than Dettere ever was, but he was new to the position. Young, in some ways, despite being who knew how many centuries old. He was short, and far less intimidating than Dettere had ever been. It was his eyes that were the most intimidating. They were a deep, rich brown, and seemed to see through me, into my very soul. It felt like all my secrets were laid bare when he stared at me like that, and I could never quite suppress a small shiver.

His short-cropped black hair was almost flat today. Usually there were small spikes in its appearance, but today it looked almost like he hadn’t bothered spiking it up at all. I’d thought it was natural, the spikiness, but now it seemed otherwise.

He wore normal Etherian attire, a mix of browns and blacks as his color scheme. He looked comfortable, all things considered.

Comfortable, and here a day early.

His expression was grave, despite the friendly smile. It was the eyes. The eyes were too dark.

“Hey,” I said, joining him on the couch. “How are you?”

It was only polite to ask, even though I just wanted to know why he was here. Pleasantries like this only wasted time, but were necessary with the Elders. Even Kieron was polite (or, at least, nicer) with them, despite how much he disliked them.

“I am well,” he said, nodding at me. He had a soft, quiet tone. “And yourself?”

“I’m fine,” I said. “Why are you here?”

Initial pleasantries out of the way, I just wanted to know what had happened. What brought him here early, without Kieron.

He sighed. “Straight to the point, then. I like your bluntness.”

I nodded. “Is Kieron okay?”

“He is fine, last I saw. He should be here tomorrow.”

That lined up with what I knew, so I nodded again. “Did you talk to Ashere?”

“Not yet. I wanted to speak with you first, and Bekkah said he is resting.”

“So, what’d you want to talk about? What happened?”

“Perpetuals are going missing.”

I frowned at him. “Missing? You sure they’re not just dying?”

Once upon a time, immortality was just that: immortal. Forever. Undying. Kieron was a perpetual, and perpetuals were immortals. But then came the golden weapons, forged with the DNA and blood of a perpetual, combined with other things, and suddenly able to kill said immortals. Now perpetuals were dying. Kieron nearly died several times due to the weapons.

So how did Haelix know perpetuals were just going missing, as opposed to just being killed?

“When they’re killed, you know we feel the pain from it,” he said. “We haven’t felt the pain of their passing. They’re just missing, not yet dead. Small groups have been disappearing for weeks now.”

When a perpetual died, the other perpetuals felt their existence end. They felt a severe type of mental pain. It didn’t harm them physically, but they felt the agony all the same. Kieron said it was like nails being drilled into his brain, like he was being shredded from the inside out, like every little thought was a piercing needle ready to relentlessly stab every corner of his mind. It was agony.

So the lack of pain surrounding the perpetuals was unusual. If they were dead, others would have felt it. Why just take them, though? Why make them disappear?

“Exrie has to be behind it,” I said.

Exrie. The Master. The one behind all of this. My intended, once upon a time. I shuddered at the thought. I was supposed to bond with Exrie, before he went all crazy. Then I was supposed to bond with Kaspin, Kieron’s brother.

But instead, I was with Kieron.

I was supposed to bond with the first perpetual I saw. It was supposed to be Kaspin.

Instead, it was Kieron. Something happened. Something changed fate, made us meet that night in the woods, but I couldn’t bring myself to regret it. Again, that would mean regretting Kieron, and I simply couldn’t do that.

I also couldn’t picture myself with anyone but him. I couldn’t imagine myself tied to someone else, especially not Exrie or Kaspin.

I barely knew Kaspin, so maybe judging him like that was wrong, but some primal part of me couldn’t help it. Because to picture myself with him was a betrayal to Kieron, and I loved him.

“We got a lead on where they might be,” Haelix said, snapping me from my thoughts. “We thought we could get them. But they weren’t there. It was a trap.”

“A trap,” I repeated, frowning.

“Someone set up a trap. Someone working with us led us into a trap. Someone is helping the enemy.”

A mole. We had a mole.

But who? Where?

“We’re looking into who it is and everything,” Haelix assured me. “We’ll find them. But until then, we have to keep everything quiet. We can’t trust anyone.”

“Someone is manipulating us,” I said quietly. “And you left Kieron out there alone.”

I tried to stop the panic from rising. _He’s fine,_ I told myself. _You just spoke with him. He’s fine._ I knew that. I did. But deep down, it was hard to quell the panic, stop the lump from forming in my throat, stop those steel bands around my lungs, because Kieron was out there alone, and he didn’t know there was a mole.

Right now, he could be listening to the wrong person. He could be walking into a trap.

 _Kieron,_ I tried to send his way. _Kieron, there’s a mole. Kie?_

He didn’t answer, but I didn’t really expect him to. He said he had to go, which meant he had to focus on something, which meant he couldn’t just respond to me right away.

I drew in a slow breath.

“Kieron is fine,” Haelix told me. “He’s not alone. He’s with a few others.”

“What if one of them is the mole?” I demanded. “Exrie wants him dead. What if they’re the mole?”

Exrie wanted my perpetual dead. He thought that if Kieron was gone, he could bond with me in his place, and my abilities would work to protect him like they did for Kieron. But it wouldn’t work like that. My abilities had to be tied to my emotions, and I loved Kieron. It was only natural that I would panic and do whatever I could to keep him safe. Not so with Exrie, because I hated him. I didn’t want to keep him safe.

“I trust the two with him,” Haelix said. “They aren’t the ones who gave me the false information.”

“Who did?”

“We’re looking into it. I just wanted to warn you. Only listen to me. I’ll verify the information I need to tell you, to make sure it’s right before I send any of you anywhere. If someone else, even another Elder, tries to tell you to do something or go somewhere, you need to ignore it. Can you do that?”

I nodded, swallowing thickly. “Yes. I understand.”

“Good.” He pushed to his feet. “Now, I need to speak with Ashere.”

I gestured in the direction of his room. “He’s kind of cranky.”

“Understandable,” Haelix said.

He left me sitting there to think about what he’d said.

A mole in the group. Maybe moles, more than one. How many? Where would this end? When?

I just wanted a quiet vacation with Kieron. Away from all of this chaos and uncertainty. Was that so much to ask?

Tomorrow, I told myself. Kieron would be back tomorrow.

Just one more day.

I could do this.

xXx

Ashere was less than pleased to have visitors, especially an Elder.

I could hear him shouting from my room.

I stayed put, but eventually Bekkah checked on me. She looked tired, with dark bags under her brown eyes, her long red hair looking all the more vibrant against the contrast of her pale skin. She looked utterly exhausted. “You should get some sleep,” I said.

“I’m fine,” she told me, around a yawn. “How are you?”

“Fine,” I said.

She nodded. “Sorry about Ashere.”

“Not his fault. I’d be grumpy, too.”

I couldn’t blame him for being upset, after all.

She bit her lower lip, before stepping fully into the room, quietly shutting the door behind her. She leaned against the door, hesitating, searching for words, before she finally sighed, dark eyes focusing on the ground. “I’m worried about him.”

“Me too,” I told her.

“Physically, he’s healing. His leg isn’t coming back, but the wounds are healed, you know? He’s getting stronger. But mentally…”

“He’s not really coping.”

She shook her head. “He’s not. At all. It might be better if Kieron was here, I don’t know. He was always better at getting through to him.”

That was understandable. Ashere did love my perpetual, after all. I was jealous, and some primal part of me ached to destroy him for even _thinking_ of my perpetual, but he and I had an understanding. I liked the guy. If we didn’t share a mutual love of Kieron, maybe we could be great friends. As it was, I still considered him a friend, even if we had a few differences. He’d yielded to me, after all, all but giving me Kieron, which was good because Kieron and I were already bonded _because_ of Ashere in the first place, so he really had no say in our relationship anyway.

Still. It hurt to see him this way. To realize how upset he was. Maybe Kieron could help.

“He’ll be here tomorrow,” I said.

She nodded. “I know. I’m hoping he can help, but… I just don’t know. I just wish I could make this easier for him.”

Ashere didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to lose a leg. He didn’t deserve to have to deal with accepting the loss and moving forward. He didn’t deserve to have to feel so… inadequate.

I swallowed. “Maybe I can talk to him.”

Bekkah stared at me. Despite the fact Ashere and I were getting along more before he lost his leg, we still weren’t best buddies. “What would you say?”

I exhaled slowly. “Let’s just say I know a thing or two about feeling inadequate.”

She nodded. “I mean… if you want to talk to him. He might shout at you, and throw you out.”

“That’s okay.”

I would deserve nothing less, after all. It was my fault he was hurt like this. It was my fault he was going through this now.

But what was the alternative?

The image of Kieron’s broken body flitted through my mind. Riddled with golden bullet holes, his last breaths scraping out of his mouth, blood staining his teeth as I begged him to _please stay with me._

 _No._ I shoved the image away.

No. Kieron was okay. That didn’t happen. It was just a bad dream.

Except it wasn’t. A bad dream, yes, but it was more than that, too. A vision. Something. Something stronger than a nightmare, because what I saw in the dream actually happened. John did take me. Exrie did hold me captive. He did force me to choose who to save: Kieron, or my family.

I chose my family, in the dream. I let Kieron die.

I didn’t ask for that. I didn’t want it. I tried to make up for it, tried to warn him. We were almost free.

And then he collapsed.

I watched him die again. It hurt so much more than the first time, because our bond was so much deeper, and I cared about him so much more. I loved him, and I watched him die, again, in my arms. He breathed his last breath and his heart stopped, and I lost him.

And then I woke up. And it happened all over again, except I knew what was coming so I could change it. Stop it. Warn him sooner.

And because I changed things, Ashere got hurt instead. He didn’t get killed, but he did lose a leg.

He lost a leg, and it was all my fault and I couldn’t even feel truly regretful about it because the alternative was so much worse.

Ashere’s leg, or Kieron’s life.

I would choose to keep Kieron every single time. I couldn’t regret my decision because it let me keep him. It let him live.

It condemned Ashere, but Kieron was still here. I’d hate myself forever for doing this to Ashere, because it was entirely my fault, but at the end of the day… I’d rather be in this reality than the other one.

And I think he would, too, if he knew about it.

Kieron and I kept it quiet. We told no one.

We said nothing about the too-real dream. We said nothing about Omega, one of the gods in Ethereal, who supposedly offered these dreams occasionally. We said nothing about any of this, because even if they believed us, even if we could prove it to the Elders, what would they do?

They’d try to prove it. Everything was a test to them.

Kieron and I said we felt each other’s pain. They hurt Kieron to test it, to learn that I did, in fact, know when he was in pain.

We said I was the aggressor in our relationship, a rare quality in bonded individuals. They tested this by making me think they were going to lock me somewhere away from Kieron. The other option to test this was to throw Kieron in the Lake and see how I reacted, but because I might actually kill them for that, they instead chose to simply divide us.

Everything we told them was tested. I didn’t know how they would test this dream, test whether or not it actually came from Omega, but I wasn’t willing to risk it. They might put Kieron in danger again, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t handle that again.

So we didn’t tell them. We would eventually, but when things calmed down. When it wasn’t so hectic. When we had to tell them, we would. Until then, we’d try to figure things out on our own.

So, it would be easier if Ashere knew that it was my fault, and why this was the better option despite how much he suffered. He’d agree with me; I knew he would. He’d rather live like this than let Kieron die, right?

But I couldn’t tell him about that. I’d just have to help him cope as it was right now.

And hope I was enough, until Kieron got back.

xXx

Ashere was pale, but that was to be expected. He hadn’t been outside in a long time. He traveled with us, but always stayed inside once we got somewhere. At campsites he’d stay in the tents. At houses, he’d pick a room and stay there the whole time. I was sure he left to go to the bathroom and shower, but he refused any help in moving and snapped at you if you tried to lend him a hand. He said he didn’t want any pity.

He wasn’t coping.

He glared at me as I entered the room. His long silver hair was flat against his head in typically bedhead fashion, the shape of his pillow. His bright brown eyes tracked my movement, narrowed and angry.

“What do you want?” he hissed.

I took in a slow breath. “I just wanted to talk. See how you’re doing. We don’t talk anymore.”

“Go away.”

“No.”

“You don’t actually want to talk to me. Did Bekkah send you here?”

I shook my head. “She didn’t. I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Why?” he demanded, glaring at me.

“We never talk anymore.”

“You hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” I told him, scowling. “I thought we were past this? I thought we were done with the animosity? I thought we were friends?”

He glared at me a moment longer, before he sighed and looked away, focusing instead on the covers piled in his lap. There was only one lump under the bed, one line of his one leg. “What do you want, Terry?”

“Just to talk. I’m worried about you. We all are.”

“Yeah, well. You can stop worrying. I’m fine.”

“Physically, yeah, sure. But mentally…”

“I’m _fine_.”

I sat on the edge of the bed, watching him carefully. “It’s okay if you’re not okay, you know. No one expects you to be. It’s okay to be upset.”

“Upset?” he repeated, almost breathlessly, before he laughed. There was nothing pleasant about the laugh, nothing happy. “I’m useless. I’m always going to be useless.”

“You’re not useless,” I told him. “Don’t call yourself that.”

“I am.”

“You’re not. So you have a setback. We have prosthetics, in my world. I’m sure you have something similar here. We can get you something.”

He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does.”

“I’m ruined.”

“You’re not. You’re just a little damaged. We’re all damaged. We’ve all been through a lot. It’s okay to not be okay.”

He laughed again, almost hysterically. “You make it sound so easy.”

“You’re not useless,” I told him. “You’re the same Ashere you’ve always been. The same pain in my ass.”

He snorted, shaking his head. “I’m broken. I can’t help anyone like this. I’m just a liability now.”

“You still have your brain,” I told him. “You can still help plan things. In a pinch, I’m sure you can hop around and fight. I’d pay to see it, even. Might be hilarious watching you pretend to be a bunny.”

“Thought you were supposed to make me feel better.”

“I’m just saying. You’re not useless.”

He sighed heavily, finally dragging his gaze toward me. “I’m useless like this, Terry. You and I both know it. I can’t help you and Kieron like this.”

Irritation stirred within me. “Listen to yourself,” I snapped, glaring at him, causing him to blink at me in surprise. “You’re not useless! You’re still a strong perpetual, even if you only have one leg! And I’m still just _human_! I can’t…” I swallowed thickly, my voice losing its volume. “I can’t do anything. I can’t fight like you can. I’m not as strong as you, and I’ll never be strong like that. I’m training, but that can only do so much, right? It’s mainly just for my peace of mind, isn’t it? I can’t really do anything with my training because when push comes to shove, a screamer is always going to be stronger and faster than me. At least you’re still a perpetual. It sucks having a handicap, and you have every right to be upset, but at least you can still do something. But me… I’m the one that’s useless.”

He stared at me for a long moment. I looked away, staring down the ground instead. There was a small stain in the carpet at my feet.

“You’re not useless,” he said quietly.

I laughed, almost bitterly. “Yeah, right. I am, and you know it. You say you can’t do anything, but I _really_ can’t. If I didn’t have this power, this ability, to keep Kieron safe I’d be completely worthless, wouldn’t I?”

“Of course not,” he told me firmly. “Don’t say that about yourself.”

I drew in a slow breath, attempting to collect myself, before I shot a glance at him. “Then you can’t say that about yourself, either.”

He scowled at me. “I see what you did there. But fine. You have a deal.”

I nodded. “Good. Because you’re really not useless.”

“Neither are you.”

I shrugged. I was useless, but it was nice of him to try to make me feel better all the same. “Are we good?”

“Why wouldn’t we be?”

“I mean… it’s my fault. That you’re like this.”

He frowned. “How is it your fault?”

 _Because I chose this reality,_ I thought but didn’t say.

“Because it’s my fault,” I told him instead. “I got captured. You had to come save me. I’m the reason you got hurt.”

“It’s not your fault, Terry. We would have come after you no matter what. No one could have guessed you weren’t safe at your apartment.”

“Still my fault.” A shaky quality overtook my voice. “I’m so sorry, Ashere.”

“It’s not your fault,” he told me.

“It is. And I’m sorry. I never meant for this to happen to you. I’m so sorry you got hurt. I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m just… I’m _sorry_.”

Silence followed my words. I looked back at the ground, long and hard, really focusing on that small stain. I wondered what it was from.

“Apology accepted,” he said finally. “So you can stop feeling so guilty. You didn’t do this to me. I don’t blame anyone but Exrie.”

“I guess I can live with that,” I said. I blamed Exrie, too.

“Thanks for talking to me. I’m sorry I’ve been so… harsh.”

“You have every right to be upset. No one blames you.”

“Still. I haven’t exactly been pleasant to be around.”

“You’re never pleasant to be around,” I reminded him with a smile.

“So rude,” he said, but when I looked at him he was smiling back. It was the first smile I’d seen on him in a long time. His eyes softened somewhat. “Thanks, Terry.”

“We’re all here for you,” I told him. “Kieron will be back tomorrow, and you two can talk. Whatever you want. Whatever you need.” _Within reason,_ I thought, but didn’t say. I was sure he knew where the line was, right? “But we’re all here for you. We’re all worried about you.”

“Thank you,” he said again.

I nodded, and pushed to my feet. “I’ll let you get some rest. You look like hell, by the way.”

“Oh, shut up,” he said, but he was smiling again. “I hate you.”

I grinned. “You don’t.”

“No,” he agreed. “I don’t.”


	3. Opening Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry thinks on his bond with Kieron and deals with his therapist. Kieron returns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my delay, something came up. This chapter is a bit shorter than the others. The story should start to pick up hopefully next chapter; sorry it's slow right now, I thought they needed some downtime.

Chapter Three: Opening Up

 

I slept fitfully that night.

Imagines rushed through my head, broken and shattered pieces of my psyche. I couldn’t remember what the dreams were necessarily about when I woke; I just knew they were awful.

It was hard to get back to sleep. Each time I tried, I worried I’d slip back into those bad dreams. My anxiety over it left the bad dreams happening when I did finally fall back to sleep, and the process started all over. So eventually, I simply didn’t go back to sleep after waking gasping for breath. I just stayed up, and read one of Kieron’s books.

Kieron liked to read. One wouldn’t know it to simply look at him, because everyone here saw a fighter through and through. An animalistic perpetual, in some cases. But he was more than his placement in their tier of power. He enjoyed reading, and always had a few books on him. Or, rather, _I_ always kept a few books around for him, and tried to find him new ones. He liked more simple stories in that he had enough action in his life, so small life stories were his secret pleasure. I thought it was cute. He also liked mysteries.

He didn’t used to bring books with him when we traveled. For a long time, I had no idea he liked to read, at all. We traveled so light in the early days. I was a handful, angry and stubborn. Kieron wasn’t exactly a pleasure to be around back then, either, angry and bitter himself. We got into various shouting matches. Despite how annoying I had to be, despite how much he clearly didn’t want me around, he stayed with me anyway and kept me safe. He said he didn’t have a choice, that it was his job, but I’d seen his memories.

Not all of them, of course. The one that stood out the most was the memory of the day we first met. Their laws demanded my death for getting in the way, for being somewhere I shouldn’t have been. That was why people kept going missing in the wooded park; not because of gang or drug activity, but because perpetuals like Kieron guarded the gateways between our worlds, and one happened to be there. Whenever a human wandered too far off course, whenever they got too close to the gateway, they had to be killed. It was their law to do so.

Kieron didn’t kill me that night, despite wanting to, himself. Despite what the law said he should do. Despite that inner voice of his demanding my untimely death. He fought it for some reason. Something about me made him stop. Maybe because he thought, deep down, that I really could see him. Maybe that pricked at him, needled away until he gave into the other aspect of their laws.

I was predetermined, after all. Somehow. Humans couldn’t see perpetuals or screamers or Etherians for what they truly were. If a screamer appeared on Earth, they would be seen as humans. This was because normal human minds couldn’t comprehend what they were really seeing, so in a play to save themselves from asking the truly hard questions, their minds tricked them. It wasn’t necessarily a glamor or illusion cast on them by the mere presence of an Etherian, not exactly. When they looked at a screamer or someone who didn’t look truly human, their minds automatically filled in the blanks. All the presence of an Etherian did was offer the story, offer the image of what the human might see, and the human mind latched on tight because normal humans weren’t supposed to know they weren’t entirely alone. They weren’t supposed to know about Ethereal. How could they comprehend such a place in their normal, day-to-day lives? It would drive them crazy.

I was different, somehow.

On that first night we met, I saw Kieron’s blue hair. My brother sees black hair, normal hair. There was something wolfish about Kieron, some sharpness all around him. My brother saw him as a human, without those wolfish edges. I saw Kieron, truly saw him, and some part of him must have known that because he found me later and demanded me to tell him what color his hair was. Because he was right, and I was different.

I was predetermined. Ethereal was big on the whole ‘predetermined’ thing. Humans who could see Etherians were few and far between, incredibly rare, but were to be protected because they played a role of significgance in Ethereal. When I first appeared, they weren’t sure what role I would play, what my presence meant for them. Then Exrie made his move, and it became clear why I was there.

Somehow, I had to stop Exrie. I had to set things right in Ethereal, because perpetuals were dying and that had never happened before. I had no idea how to stop him.

 _No,_ a part of me whispered. _That’s not entirely true._

There was a way. The mystical walls in the Caverns of Knowledge, in a subset of Ethereal called Miitha Tiaydh, told me how to stop Exrie.

They said he could only be defeated after he’d already won.

At what point did he believe he won, though? At Kieron’s death? That was the first step of his true victory, wasn’t it? He wanted me at his side, wanted to bond with me, and that meant first taking Kieron out of the picture. So at what point did he ‘win’?

If his victory started with Kieron’s death, I couldn’t follow that route. I couldn’t go down that path. I’d rejected that reality once already; I couldn’t handle it again.

There was a sharp knocking at my door. Bekkah’s knuckles were sharp little things.

“Yeah?” I called.

“I thought I heard you moving around. Come out here for a moment.”

I sighed, wondering what she wanted. Then I crawled out of bed, dressed only in a pair of comfortable red shorts I’d taken to sleeping in, without a shirt. It was hot here, after all. Warm and cozy, but I couldn’t leave the window open at night. Too many people had come in through windows already. Bekkah was on high alert, being the only truly fight-worthy person here at the moment, but I wouldn’t make this harder on her by keeping my window while I slept. That meant it was hot in my room, though.

I slipped out of the bedroom, a chill sweeping around me. The windows in the living room had screens in them, and when Bekkah was awake they were open, and she rarely slept. The breeze felt nice but chilled me after the heat of my room.

It wasn’t Bekkah standing there waiting for me.

I flung myself forward, into his arms. He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me, holding me close to him. I breathed in the sweet scent of him, something in my mind calming as I felt him solidly against me, felt him all around me.

“You’re here,” I said happily, not letting go of him.

“I’m here,” he agreed. “I didn’t mean for her to wake you.”

“I was already awake,” I assured him, pulling my head from his shoulder to look him in the eye. He was pale, with rings around his eyes hinting at a lack of sleep himself. But he was here, and he was mine, and he was perfect. I pressed my mouth against his, a soft gentle pressure, before his grip on me tightened and he deepened the kiss.

I was breathless a moment later, which completely unfair because he was never winded like me.

I pulled back, grinning widely. “I missed you.”

A colossal understatement, really.

Every part of me was alive and singing now that he was back, the chord in my mind stretched, reaching for him. It wanted me closer. I wanted closer.

“Sorry I took so long,” he said.

“Get a room,” Bekkah said from the doorway, seemingly coming in from the porch. I shot her a glare but she merely grinned back at me.

“You look tired,” I told Kieron, looking back at him. I grabbed his hand and slipped away from his warm body, leading him toward my room. Our room. It was supposed to be our room, but he’d been away for a while, leaving me alone. He followed willingly, and shut the door behind us.

Then he was on me.

My back hit the wall with an audible thump. My arms wound tightly around him, crushing him to me as much as I could, as his lips connected with mine in a fierce, hungry kiss. Every part of me welcomed his advances, every part of my body ached for his touch. I’d missed this. Missed him. Missed everything about him.

His mouth left mine, but I pouted for only a second before his teeth met my neck, lightly biting into the exposed skin. I tilted my head to the right, exposing the left side more, allowing him more access. It was where the bond was first formed so long ago, after all; it was the most tender area, and it felt amazing.

Finally, after a few minutes of bliss, he pulled away, watching me closely.

“Sorry,” he said, running his tongue over his lips as his gaze flickered back to my neck before snapping back toward my face.

“Are you apologizing for kissing me or biting my neck?” I asked, quirking a brow. “Because you realize as my boyfriend, you have every right to do that, right? And I certainly wasn’t complaining.”

“I know that. I just… should have better control.”

I rolled my eyes. “You know I like you like this, right? You don’t have to control yourself around me. At all.”

“I do,” he said, scowling. “I could hurt you.”

“You’d never hurt me.”

He worried he’d lose control too much, or do something wrong, and actually hurt me. He’d done it before, biting my neck so much it bled a lot and ached painfully, but oh well. It was in the past, and I trusted him not to hurt me like that again. The only reason he did it that time was because his more animalistic half was in control, and I’d tried to leave him. I’d tried to leave the room, told him to stop, and he’d fought me. Raged against the thought of me rejecting him. I wasn’t rejecting him, of course, but that animalistic bit of him thought I was and reacted accordingly. It was the only real time he hurt me.

I trusted him. I knew what to look out for now, I knew not to move away, so he wouldn’t hurt me.

I grabbed his hand, pulling him back toward me. He stepped into my personal space, a breath away from kissing me. I smiled at him, looking into his bright blue eyes.

When he was less controlled, his eyes brightened like this. They had an unnatural glow, an apparently eerie brightness, but they weren’t scary to me. To others, the bright eyes of the animalistic perpetuals was terrifying, because once upon a time it meant they were truly out of control and rampaging through the streets, just aching for a bloody fight. Kieron wasn’t like that. His lack of control was different; he wasn’t looking for a fight. It just meant he was more himself. His bright eyes were beautiful to me, not horrifying. Not creepy or scary or even remotely eerie. They were perfect.

“I really missed you,” I said.

“I know.”

“Did you miss me?”

Kieron wasn’t all that great at sharing his feelings, or showing them. He was slowly getting better at it, letting himself feel more, letting himself show it, but he spent his whole life hiding how he felt. Perpetuals weren’t supposed to feel, after all. They trained that out of them, punished them for showing or feeling, because a killing machine like the perpetuals, strong and immortal, having feelings like this could be dangerous. But Kieron had always felt. He had feelings. He never ‘grew out of them’ like the others, and he thought something was wrong with him. So he hid them, locked them so deep inside himself he almost forgot they were there, until I came alone.

The emotional human, there to ruin all he worked so hard to build. It was why he was initially so angry with me, so aggressive and bitter, so hate-filled. He hated me, in the beginning, because I was there to shatter the illusion he’d created for himself. I was there to make him feel, to bond with him, to connect to his mind and see through his walls, and he grew up terrified of anyone ever seeing the real him. He grew up afraid he’d be thrown into the Lake for _feeling_ , for having a secondary voice in his head known as _it_ , and he worked so very hard on his walls and shields to hide that from everyone.

And then he had to bond with me, and it all fell apart.

I worked hard on his walls, worked hard to get him to open up to me, and he was getting there. Slowly but surely. Well, to me the changes were slow and steady, but to him they were fast. He was over eight hundred, after all. Time was different for perpetuals.

“I missed you,” he told me quietly, expression softening.

I nodded, and leaned forward slightly, closing the distance between us. Our lips connected once more. My heart raced, quickly picking up speed, because I loved this. Kissing Kieron was always amazing, and it would never grow old. It would never lose that fiery spark.

It would never not make my pulse race. It would never not leave me breathless.

He pulled back too soon for my liking, but I needed air. He stepped back a small step, giving me more space to collect myself. “How are you?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” I said. “How are you? How’d things go?”

I knew he wasn’t hurt. My skin wasn’t itching or burning like it did when he was in danger, and I hadn’t felt any phantom aches. Even if he hid them from me when they happened, he had to know I would see the evidence when he returned, and he hadn’t warned me beforehand so I knew he was okay right now. Whatever injuries he might have hidden, they were healed by now.

“We’re getting close to ending this,” he assured me.

Ending the hunt for those who wished me harm.

They wanted to hurt Kieron, too. They wanted to kill him first, or at the same time as me, to keep him from healing me. It was the only reason I okayed his mission to hunt them down and stop them, because after everything, I couldn’t stand for people to be out there secretly gathering weapons with the intent to harm my perpetual. Exrie and the screamers already wanted him dead; I couldn’t stand for there to be another group wishing him harm.

“How close?” I asked.

“We have a lead on where their main headquarters are.”

“You didn’t go there,” I said.

He shook his head. “No. We didn’t.”

 _Good._ I didn’t want him going to their main headquarters. It was too dangerous. “How long are you staying here?”

“As long as I can,” he replied, shrugging. “As long as nothing comes up that needs my immediate attention.”

“So you’re all mine?”

He smirked. “Yes. I guess you could say that.”

I flung myself at him again.

xXx

We lay in bed later, exhausted but sated. He was a solid warmth against my side, one of his arms strung around me, holding me close. He was fast asleep, but I lay awake, watching the quiet rise and fall of his chest. He looked tired before; he needed the rest, but I was too happy to sleep, really. Because he was finally back, and some part of me fitted back together so nicely, so completely.

Being here with him, like this, was everything to me. Just quiet, stolen moments like this. They shouldn’t have felt stolen, but they were. Stolen moments of bliss hidden in the chaos that had become our lives. I wondered, sometimes, what it would be like to be like this with him, in a normal life. If we led normal everyday lives. If he wasn’t a fighter, an animalistic perpetual, and I wasn’t a predetermined human. If we were just people who met under different circumstances. If we could just have a normal life together. If we could just be like this, all the time, without all the worries about when this would end.

But we weren’t normal. Wondering about it wasn’t helping me, because we’d never have that. At least, not until this war was over and Exrie was defeated, but I didn’t want to think about Exrie right now. I didn’t want to think about what the walls said.

Would we be together, if we met under different circumstances? If we were just normal people, on Earth, and Ethereal didn’t exist. Would we be together now? Probably not. He was so angry in the beginning, so bitter. Maybe, if perpetuals didn’t exist, and he was just a normal human, he wouldn’t have been so angry. But maybe he’d find something else to be angry about, and if we weren’t thrown together like we were… would I have given him a chance? Would he have given me one?

It was best not to think about, really. What happened, happened, and there was no changing the past. We were together, and we’d just have to steal as many moments as we could until things were normal.

Kieron looked so peaceful when he slept. So open and vulnerable, so unlike he was when he was awake. The frown usually present somewhere on his face, either in his downturned lips when he was arguing or in the crease in his brow, disappeared when he slept like this, so deeply. He didn’t always allow himself to sleep so deeply, didn’t always allow himself to be so open and vulnerable, but sometimes he did, and I loved it when that happened.

I watched him sleep for a few minutes, enjoying his presence and the warmth of the bond, and then finally closed my eyes.

xXx

The next morning, I had an appointment with Whitaker again. I didn’t want to go, just wanted to lounge around with Kieron, but he scowled at me until I submitted and went. I tried to talk him into coming with me, but he said that was private time for myself, and he didn’t want to intrude.

So I went to see Whitaker alone. Well, with Bekkah as an escort. Kieron was going to stay behind and keep an eye on the house and talk to Ashere. Ashere had been slightly less grouchy after our talk, but I knew he was still bitter about his situation. I couldn’t really blame him for that.

Alone time with his best friend, without my intervention, might help.

I sat in the same chair I’d been in last time. Whitaker already had his notepad out, pen at the ready to take more notes.

“How are you today, Terry?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Better. Kieron’s back.”

“Ah, yes. Things are easier with him around, aren’t they?”

I nodded. Things were always easier with Kieron around.

“When did he get back?”

“Yesterday.”

He nodded, watching me calmly. “Did you think about what I said?”

I released a slow breath. “You say a lot. What, exactly, was I supposed to think about?”

He watched me calmly, making a quick note in his notebook. I scowled at him. “I asked what your triggers were for your anxiety. Why do you become anxious? When?”

I sighed heavily. I didn’t really want to discuss this, at all. But I supposed I had to – I was here to get better, after all. To control my anger and anxiety. “When I think something’s wrong with Kieron,” I said quietly.

He scribbled away in his notebook. “I see,” he said. “Do you often fear for his safety?”

“Yeah.”

“Even though you yourself are human, and to you he would be indestructible?”

“He’s not indestructible,” I said, glaring at him. Just because Kieron was a perpetual, and an animalistic one at that, didn’t mean he couldn’t feel pain. It didn’t mean he couldn’t be killed or taken from me in other ways.

He scribbled more in his notebook. The scratch of the pen was grating. “Are you often quick to anger when it concerns him?”

“Maybe a little.”

“I see. Why do you think that is?”

“I know why it is,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“And why is that?”

“I can’t tell you. Next question.”

“Why can’t you tell me?” he asked.

I shook my head. I couldn’t describe the bond to him. Nor could I discuss my status as the aggressor. It felt too wrong, too private, to discuss it here. “Next question,” I said again.

“I can’t help you if you don’t open up,” he said.

“It’s our bond,” I said, frowning. “And that’s all I’m gonna say on it.”

“The bond makes you angry?”

“Not angry. Well, I mean. Not angry with Kieron.”

“With others, though, it makes you angry?”

“Kind of. I guess you could say it makes me defensive, so kind of angry.”

“Defensive,” he repeated, writing away in his notebook. “And this is just since you bonded with Kieron?”

“Yeah.”

“You were never like this before?”

“Not that I noticed.”

I thought it was probably a part of me anyway, otherwise it wouldn’t have activated when Kieron and I bonded. I never felt the need to be defensive before, though, not with anyone else. Only with Kieron.

“Why do you think you’ve become defensive with Kieron?”

“Because I love him,” I said simply.

It used to be hard to admit, even to myself, but now it was so easy. So easy and so freeing. I loved him, and he loved me, and while I was angrier and more aggressive now, I wouldn’t change it for a thing as long as I had Kieron.

I thought of him this morning, how I left him sleeping in bed. How we ate breakfast together. How we kissed goodbye before I left the house.

I thought of him as he was in bed last night.

“Terry?”

I blinked, refocusing on Whitaker. “Yes?”

“I called your name three times.”

“Oh. Sorry. I was thinking.”

“I see. And you refuse to tell me further about your bond?”

“It’s private,” I said.

“I need you to trust me if you want my help.”

“There’s trust, and then there’s sex talk,” I told him, scowling. “I’m not comfortably discussing my sex life with you. Sorry.”

“What about the bond? That’s not inherently sexual.”

“It’s private and intimate,” I said. “So it’s like sex. Next question.”

He sighed. “Terry…”

“I know,” I muttered, closing my eyes. “I know what you want me to discuss, but I can’t. I mean I kind of physically can’t. I don’t know why.”

Discussing such intimate matters felt wrong on a variety of levels, and some part of me outright refused to allow myself to do this. To discuss Kieron like this. To talk about his bright eyes, his open intimacy, his gentle expression in bed. To speak about my aggressor status and his subgressor status. To speak about how this link in my head which had become more important than breathing.

Talking about it to some stranger felt wrong.

“I need you to try,” he said. “I understand it might be difficult, but if you truly want my help, you have to tell me these things so I can work through your issues with you.”

“My issues,” I repeated, scowling. “Thanks so much. I’m not broken, you know.”

“Some part of you must feel broken, or you wouldn’t be here now.”

He had a point. It didn’t feel all that professional, but it was still a valid point.

“What do you know about my bond?” I asked.

“I was informed that whatever you tell me about your bond would remain between us,” he said calmly, watching me carefully. “Your friend, Bekkah, was quite firm on this. I believe she threatened me with bodily harm, if I spoke about your private matters to the wrong person.”

That relaxed me, to know Bekkah had my back. It was her secret way of letting me know it was okay to discuss the bond, because Whitaker, while annoying, could be trusted. She hunted hard for him, struggling to find the right person for me, and I knew I had to discuss the bond. I knew I had to discuss _everything_ about the bond, and not just the parts we wished to let the general public know.

“What do you know about an aggressor?” I asked.

He blinked back at me, slit pupils widening slightly in shock. “An aggressor,” he repeated quietly. “Rare, but it certainly does slot things into perspective. Your defensive anger makes sense.”

“Yeah, that,” I said. “I see you already guessed I was the aggressor.”

“It makes plenty of sense,” he said.

“If you say so. It’s all still a little new to me.”

He scribbled quickly in his notebook, looking more animated than I’d ever seen him. “I’ve studied aggressor bonds extensively,” he said. “I guess that’s why your friend picked me. She knows about this, correct?”

“She does,” I agreed.

“Interesting. Very interesting.”

“Sure,” I said. “So how do I not bite everyone’s head off?”

“It’s tied to your emotions,” he said. “You become more agitated as your bonded is endangered, and when people speak ill of them, you jump to their defense. Is that about right?”

“Yeah. So, help?”

“How long have you been bonded?”

I blinked at him. “Does that matter?”

“It might.”

“I don’t know. A few years. It’s all a chaotic jumbled mess,” I said.

“I see. And he is an animalistic perpetual. That might complicate things.”

“How so?” I asked, almost defensively.

“Well, generally, animalistic perpetuals are more aggressive by default. So in your relationship, it would make more sense for him to be the aggressor and not you. It’s an oddity, that’s all.”

More scribbling.

“As the aggressor, it will definitely be more difficult for you to control your emotions concerning him. We can implement a few breathing techniques and mental puzzles to otherwise occupy your mind while you’re apart, since that does seem to be bothering you, but this is going to take effort on your part. You have to be willing to do as I say.”

“Sure,” I said, sighing. “Whatever it takes.”

He nodded, flipping through his notes to ask more questions.

xXx

I returned home to an empty house with Bekkah at my side.

“Well I’ll be damned,” she said, grinning.

“What?” I asked.

“He got him out of the house.”

I stared at her, unaware of the implications until then.

The house was empty. That meant both Kieron and Ashere were gone.

Kieron got Ashere to go outside.

I grinned back at her. “Miracles do happen.”

“Hallelujah,” she said.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll try to keep my updates to at least once every 2 weeks. If I get into a big writing mood, you'll probably have at least 2 or 3 a week, like before, but if I get into writer's block it'll take a little longer. So I'm going to try to keep the 2 week policy. We'll see how it goes. 
> 
> As always, comments are love <3 Let me know if you're still here after my long absence.


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